We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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