I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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