Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
