All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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