i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
