Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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