Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
