allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
