You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
