Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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