Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
