I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You ruined the universe
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wear drunk well.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
