I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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