dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
