Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
