hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
