i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
