I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
