You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
