my phone needs a breathalizer
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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