He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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