hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
