you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
