one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
