So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
