R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So apparently I’m into choking now
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