She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You took a bar mat shot.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
