I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
