Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
