dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
