I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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