I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
