I am in a vortex of obligation.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
