3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
