dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
