i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
