the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
