god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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