I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
