omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
