im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
