I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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