It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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