i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I deserve this hangover.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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