On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
