he wants to bone in the snuggie
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
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