i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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