what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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