Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize