How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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