at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize