dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
the raccoons are back...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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