guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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