Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
