Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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