all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
