I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
