Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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