you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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