Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize