Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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