i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
