If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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