Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
