I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize