i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
