Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
