I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
